I’ve written a handy phrasebook
For those awkward social situations. 
I would like to acknowledge now
The help and contributions
Down the years of family and friends, 
Colleagues, neighbours, politicians, 
Nameless and too numerous to mention.

When a new colleague comes to work,
To ease them in: ‘Yes, they’ll check you out.
It’s quite alright. All they care about is if you’re queer.’

When your erstwhile single daughter Announces that she’s gay and
Takes you out to dinner with her lover, And you can’t deduce who seduced who Nor how seriously to take her:
‘She is a rather forceful character, isn’t she?’

When trying small talk with the new girls in the upstairs flat: 
‘Of course, one disadvantage is the council, too concerned
With spending money from our rates on gay and lesbian rights Instead of emptying bins ... Well. Of course.
Everyone has a perfect right to be a lesbian ... ‘

Conversation is a poker game, hard and grim.
Never look surprised, and if they laugh, laugh with them. 
You’ve got a choice when they reveal their hand:
Either: ‘Of course, I always knew you were,’ the old one, 
Or, in desperation, ‘I assumed you were joking!’

The modern workplace demands a balanced team.
When you learn that yet another member
Of your staff is gay, it’s best to draw the line. 
Diversity has its limits: ‘Oh no. Not another one!’
Should make this clear. Keep talking about your children.

It’s quite a formal black tie do and one of them takes you literally
With the full works, DJ and black bow tie.
Why not try a displacement strategy? 
Address her partner cheerily: ‘My dear!
I can’t think when I last saw you in a dress.’

The upfront approach can quite disarm the guest. 
If you’re the vicar’s wife at the Christmas party: 
‘Have you considered a commitment ceremony?’

When a customer comes in for her dry cleaning,
Don’t be shy: ‘What do you think of my new Wonderbra?’

Too busy to notice? Can’t tell them apart when
They wear each other’s clothes? Need something to say? 
If you’re a begging alcoholic or a rosy-tinted Christian, 
Why not try: ‘I was talking to your sister yesterday.’

Emily Hay

Emily briefly attended workshops on Zoom, but decided that longer form fiction was more her style. She is a retired civil servant.